This new year hasn’t been met with enlightenment, abundance of luck, or the good fortune of making realistic resolutions. I did something different this holiday season, I abandoned everything I have ever known to be connected with the holidays and ventured to try something different with the only other person who had experienced my past – my brother. Of course I would be lying if I said it was a perfect holiday and I would also be lying if I said I went with no expectations…. I did. While sitting in my own pool of swass, I emailed and invited myself to his place. I went with the expectation that it would be the two of us and maybe (just maybe) we would work it out. We would tolerate each other and make sense of a relationship we never actively tried to create.

Well since my delusional state, his girlfriend moved it. I had heard rumors about her, but went with an open heart and as a guest into “their” home. It was awful. I tried to understand her and them, but I don’t get it. She was nothing like the person I thought my brother would end up with. It’s not like I should have a say in who he will marry; but on the flip side of the coin, I thought that my “future” sister-in-law might be someone ‘special.’ I feel so awful for thinking it, let alone typing it, but how do they work? I mean watching them interact; I found it hard to believe they were partners in a relationship. Of course, as a single person it made me extremely judgmental allowing me to believe that I would never let myself be trapped in the same situation… and then like all irrational claims it was a perfect time for fate to walk in.

I woke on Christmas morning to a text. I thought the text was from my service provider since it appeared to be from my own phone number, but it wasn’t. It was from my ex. We haven’t talked for months and the last thing I needed was to know he thought about me. Christmas had always been a special time for us as friends and then as a couple. We had tacky traditions, silly games, and miracles to be granted. Last year I gave myself permission to be upset, but I wasn’t. This year, when I woke to that, I was livid.

After leaving me and our friendship the way he did, he has tried many times and many things to get things back to the way they were. Tomorrow he’s getting married.

I don’t have things figured out for myself in the least, but I just don’t get it… how could I have ever spent my time with someone without a backbone. I mean, even when we were dating and we were talking about marriage, he claimed that he could never marry her because of her mother. Fair enough I suppose. I of course questioned him of why he would be thinking of her mother when he was planning to spend his life with me; but I suppose these things happen when your life makes no sense. Beyond that, I “ran” into a few months ago and he hated where they were. He didn’t want any more children or talk of marriage. Now a few months later, baby number two is in the oven and the ring is polished for tomorrow’s ceremony.

And the weird thing is that the thought of his wedding bothers me in a way much different than I thought. I’m sure that from the outside I could appear to be a jealous ex that is bitter that I could never “bag” him. But in reality, I don’t care that he’s making a commitment and his first child is going to have a name reflective of a fucked up infancy… I care that his life is over in a certain way. There is so much he promised himself he would do and he now won’t.

Days, months, years, passed between the first time we “hung out” and the last time we kissed. Regardless of who we were with or what we thought would happen, him and I laid under the covers cuddled in mutual warmth and talked about our hopes, dreams, and most importantly our fears. Looking back, it makes perfect sense that I was the first person he presented his child to at the hospital, he was the first who would hear about my day, I would be the first to help him figure out to dump his girlfriend, and he would be the first one to open his arms for me to rush into upon reunion. I loved every ounce of his persona as his friend. I’ll admit, he could be dumber than a post at times (particularly when it came to girls) but then he would surprise me when we debated the day’s hot topics. We were a part of each other’s consciousness. And from the outside it still baffles me that I may be as close to another person. I don’t question that in a bitter way but with some curiosity.

I have someone in my life who could become that person I have been missing. He is amazing and no where near a perfect match for me… because he’s the thing I need in my life, a really good male friend. I have not yet fucked it up or made it too complicated for us to understand. There was a time where I couldn’t wait to progress what we had, but now that I have new perspective - of how fabulous he is as a part of my life; I am thrilled to have him not that into me… because it makes meeting his family a lot less stressful! Now that he’s simplified one aspect of my life easier, what should be next on my agenda for kicking ass in this new year?