I know my glass can be half empty. I prefer when it is half full of good times and something warm; however, today it isn't really either.

I don't know the minute that brought on this moment but I believe that it all culminated last night around the stroke of eleven. After a tough week out of the gate, complete with illness and fatigue, I bought a new pair of heels and hit the town all for the newest oldie in my social circle.

I can honestly say, that I didn't want to plaster on make-up or strap on a push up bra in the first place, but the sense of moral obligation forced me out of the house fifteen minutes behind schedule.... well that and the fact that I couldn't find anything that didn't make me look like a whale.

I sat on the train waiting to travel from the 'burbs to the inner heartbeat of the city. I wedged myself into a seat and buried my head in the nothingness of nothing... since I couldn't fit a book and extra shoes in my purse, my Ipod was lovingly left in my drawer at school, and my new phone apparently doesn't come equipped with games... I nearly twiddled my thumbs which didn't help me since I showed up to the venue with no sense of comfort.

A past date has been stalker calling me all week and agreed to meet up with me later in the evening, but between the punch, shots, and compliments of the barkeep - it ended up being a sober guy meeting up with the drunk girl. Who like any other intoxicated person tried not to appear intoxicated but more than likely therefore came off as more intoxicated than originally anticipated. Sadly, he was taken out of my horizon in the most intense way possible and came back slowly... but not so surely. I forgot how awkward it all felt. We could walk and talk for hours but I forgot that we had no eye contact or no real physical connection. We could talk intellect for days, but for someone in my position, I am wanting something more. Just before I left, what did shake me was that he brought up something that I had said about one of my own family members and he was using that as part of his current motivation for the next step. It was having a sense of intimacy without being intimate. So I he went off into the night while I went back to the rage of the party and caught up quickly because there is one problem with being the single one.

If you are the one single among couples at a dinner party, it can turn very expectedly awkward. The entire table will wait to hear you speak about why you are still single or wants to know your secret to happiness (since you are choosing to be without a companion) while others are waiting with abated breath to hear how on such a meager salary you can effort rent, food, a vehicle, and a social life... since two considerably more substantial saleries barely cover their loose ends. And against popular belief the problem with this situation is that this particular awkwardness is not limited to only the dining room. It can happen anywhere in particular, for instance, I got to experience it at the club. The coupled boys of the party feel obligated to take the single ones dancing and within a thirty second window their better halves ensure their presence is well known as if to mark their territory to ensure you realise that you made a bad decision. Or on the flip side, those taken males are so vibrant and open with their emotions they often sandwich kiss and hug the single females whenever a potential partner comes near - which is often awesome and extremely helpful. Which makes me wonder how I'm really dating at all right now. Then again, the last two guys have been muppets with fizz less exciting than whatever that candy maker used to wedge in that hard candy. And then while sitting on the banquet amongst the coats, shoes, and purses of others....  I had an epiphany. In my current scope their is one boy I'm becoming attached to but have yet to have materialize... when he does come into my vision it will likely go one of two ways - there will be no click and I'll never see him again OR there will be a click and I wont see him for months on end - which in the short term prospective may even be worse than the first. And leave me in the exact same reality that I experienced last night. Needless to say, that was my third severe kick of reality.

And just when I thought I might be done for the night, the forth kick allowed some of my soft metal bend just a little more. My girls were also in the area, getting ready for the club across the street that caters to those closer to 20 than 30. I didn't really want to travel home alone so I asked if we could meet up after our respective nights out. The hitch in the evening, if I waited past a certain stroke of the clock I was literally stuck without the ability to get home for less than $60. Nearly the time that my cheapest option became a pumpkin, I tried to contact my ladies... the birthday boy and his entourage were on the cusp of being asked to leave since it became quickly inevitable that 30 year olds don't handle their unlimited ticket for the five hour booze truck as well as they did in their frat years.... with no avail. Everyone else left assuming that it would all work out. I waited for twenty minutes and still nothing so I had to hike it and hoped that I wasn't even a moment toooooo late. Thankfully, I wasn't and I secured a seat. And there I was again - taking care of myself, because even when I reach out - at the end of the day I can't depend on anyone but me.

It just kind of sucks as this moment because of what I have done, experienced, and have offered to others - it seems a little cold to even think. And I don't want that to be a continuing reality.